The greatest pandemic sweeping the nation is the silencing of the voices of the fathers. “I am lonely.” This is not an expression you are likely to associate with fathers, but it is a feeling hidden deep behind a man’s psyche as he struggles to balance providing for his family, winning the love and respect of his wife, and guiding his children with fatherly wisdom, all while the relentless workings of the “modern” world undercut the traditional role in which men have flourished in times past. It’s not a deep brooding loneliness, rather an occasional exhaustion and yearning that they might be appreciated.
There are all kinds of fathers, some good, some bad. Some present, some absent. Some loving, some harsh. Nobody is perfect, and mostly fathers try to do right by their family. If they’ve made mistakes, they try to make it right. They try to learn and improve. It is a much smaller percentage of fathers that are egregiously callous or abusive. All these things can be said about people in general, including mothers. However, what makes the father’s plight unique in this modern era is that culturally, the voice of fathers has been increasingly and systematically stifled and relegated to ridicule. The cultural confusion we are seeing now is a direct result of fathers being relegated to non-existence. The value of fathers has largely been discussed in cultural terms, but what about the self-worth and encouragement of the many individual men themselves? What about the compassion to address the well-being and identity of men?
In Genesis, it is written “It is not good for man to be alone.” Fathers often suffer deep emotional pain in silence. As Christian men, fathers are told time and time again that the state of their relationship with their wives is dependent on them modeling the love of Christ in their marriage. In other words, if there is strife, arguments or discord in the home, the men are told that the problem begins and ends with them. But when the husband presents a brave, optimistic, courageous face to their wives, trying to stay positive and to speak blessings after repeated tensions, this is often misconstrued by their wives as unrealistic, as overconfidence, naivete, inability to face “reality” when speaking blessings in a situation that doesn’t appear to be blessed, and so on. Women seem to have free reign to criticize their husbands, often not even understanding the depth of the husband’s spiritual efforts, but quickly misconstruing any difference of opinion as a flaw in the husband that needs to be corrected. Demeaning criticisms are emotionally abusive to a husband who is striving to lead the family but is given no credibility to do so. When faced with abusive emotional attacks, or other subtle but debilitating forms of abuse, men are supposed to just be strong and lead with a kind, compassionate, long-suffering, and forgiving spirit, an example of Christ’s love. If a woman claims to be suffering from emotional abuse by her husband, however, the advice pretty quickly moves toward “The Lord doesn’t call us to suffer abuse” and the discussion moves toward calling the husband to account for his wrongs, and divorce looms as a justified and probable outcome, without even calling into question the wife’s own contribution to the dysfunctional dynamic. This disparity of how men suffering from abuse are treated differently from women suffering abuse is a great injustice in the church.
When a man comes to surrender his life to Jesus Christ as his Lord, after many futile efforts to find joy through his own efforts, only to be disappointed time and time again, the newfound majesty and mystery of the power of Jesus Christ becomes a transforming power, and a depth of spiritual learning begins to take hold of that man’s life. The surrendering is at once simple and complex. It is a simple call to love and trust God with all your heart, mind and strength, and to love others as yourself. Yet in practical terms, it is a complex reprogramming of a lifetime of habits, replacing old typical emotions and reactions with a new humility and gratitude, shifting one’s priorities, commitments and responsibilities to the Lord’s calling, which continually pushes the limits of spiritual understanding. It is an earnest and continual confession of sins and shortcomings, and at the same time proclaiming the promise of victory through the finished work of Christ’s death on the cross and his resurrection to life. The victory comes by speaking the Word of God, becoming aware of blessings and curses, and learning new ways of speaking, new ways of responding, to overcome curses and manifest God’s promise of blessings. As a man finds the resolve to meditate on and speak God’s Word, our Heavenly Father begins to bless him in ways he had not known before.
The true love in a man’s heart finds its greatest expression when the Lord reveals to him the one special woman meant for him to share his life with. There is nothing more grand than the discovery of the unique intimacy ordained by the Lord for one’s life. Every person is different, every marriage is different. The joy, the laughter, the sorrow, the tears, the challenges, the unexpected twists in the relationship, struggles to overcome, all ordained between two people, often an unlikely pairing, and yet growing together into a complementary perfection only God could have known beforehand. This path set before a man by the Lord, to love and cherish this special woman that God has brought into his life, to bring glory to God from their union, is an honor and a privilege, and although very difficult at times, the most fulfilling gift a man can hope for from the Lord. A man’s love for God is inseparably linked to his expression of love for that special woman in his life, chosen by God to fulfill the deepest desires of a man’s heart, an intimacy that only God could know, in His infinite wisdom and knowledge.
Considering the profound nature of such a union, it is no wonder why the brutal ripping apart of such a glorious intimate pairing is so devastating. A marriage that has truly been ordained by God has a lifetime purpose, and the union is characterized by an emotional bonding that is etched into the hearts of the two lovers that transcends any suffering either may have to endure in the course of the marriage. It is a mistake to think that the presence of pain or suffering means that God is not in their midst. Rather it is an invitation from the Lord, for the husband and wife to demonstrate their depth of love for one another in getting through the pain or suffering together. The victorious outcome of a marriage strengthened by the sacrificial love of both partners brings great glory to God. The greater the suffering that they overcame together, the greater the glory to God. Those who are faint of heart, or otherwise wrapped up in the selfish attitude promoted in the secular world, may be quick to bail on their marriage when difficulties arise. This is a mistake that limits the grandeur that God can bring into that person’s life. God always brings relief to the afflicted, and glory to those who serve His purpose. There can be no greater glory than fulfilling the covenant commitment set before a husband and wife who have become an intimate union of one before the eyes of God. God is sure to bless in a profound way, more than we can think or imagine, the steadfast faith of a man and woman who stay together to fulfill God’s purpose in their lives.
The foundation of faith established by a husband and wife who have determined to fulfill their commitment to love each other becomes the foundation of love for the children they bring into the world. A child intuitively knows that they come from their mother and father. The ability for a child to bond with his/her mother and father is directly associated with having the mother and father present in that child’s life. The investment of love and grace that a husband and wife cultivate toward each other is ultimately a great act of love for the well-being of their children. And yet it is not easy to exercise wisdom in the many difficult moments that arise in relationships, to stay in faith and to stay committed. However, there is a steadiness that fathers bring to the family dynamic that supersedes the drama of emotions that might otherwise create disdain between the parents of a child, damaging the very fabric of the child’s existence or even resulting in traumatic family separation. The legacy of fatherhood is the kind of love that keeps a family together. It is a blessing to the whole family when the importance of a father’s voice is acknowledged. It is the very well-being of the children which is at stake, and the well-being of the generations to come. There is a divine relationship each of us have with our Heavenly Father, who desires to give us blessings above and beyond we can even think or imagine. God has called the earthly fathers to model this great love, and this is why we must raise up the father’s voice once again. The great potential of humankind rests upon flourishing the love of a father’s voice.
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